this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
