There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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