She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
