I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
