a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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