textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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