what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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