Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
