she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
