I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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