Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
