just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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