please come you make the beer taste better
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
