New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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