I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She needs sedatives and a leash
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
