"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
