he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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