hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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