On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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