Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
