Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
