if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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