oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
