Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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