I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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