i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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