so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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