im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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