my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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