i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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