FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
