I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
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I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We had sex on a dog bed..
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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