I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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