Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
