I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We left the knife in your bed.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
