For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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