Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
