I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
