i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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