i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
