When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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