i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
