Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't deserve a penis
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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