if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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