the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
