Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
