I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
