come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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