these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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