So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
