I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
