She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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