I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
time to smoke my breakfast
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
