i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
