Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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