i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
