i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
