Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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