a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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