i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
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LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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