That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
