i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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